christmas wishes

my tears started when i saw #13.

it was the 13th item on olivia's christmas wish list.

13. jack-for him to come back

those 6 little words have so much meaning.

they carry the weight of the world

for a little girl who never

got to meet her big brother.

yesterday i was loading will into his 

carseat and called out, 1 and 2 let's get in the car.

olivia immediately asked me who 1 and 2 were.

i said, you and your brother silly girl. (:

but, mommy, you have 3 kids, not just 2.

you are so right liv...there are 3 of you.

beaming smiles all around.

she never lets go-not for a second that her big

brother existed.

today, she asked me again how jack died.

it is painful explaining death . . especially

to a child who is so curious about the hows and the whys.

  no matter how simple you try and make it...

you can never make it nice.

you cannot paint a picture that makes 

them feel great afterward.

it hurts and the pain does not escape us.

olivia did end our conversation on a good, solid note.

i can't wait to be with jack in heaven!

**neither can i, olivia. neither can i.

7 years ago today.

 jack's anniversary.

about 2 months after we lost jack...right before we were pregnant with olivia..

i was at a friend's house and we were talking
about what life looked like in our house.
 i explained how bleak and quiet a finished nursery in our new

home felt like.  it was terrifying going to sleep
down the hall from a room that

was supposed to be filled with a hungry baby
that needed to be fed in the middle of

the night, or rocked back to sleep.
sprouts of giggles should be cascading down the hall.

but, instead, it was hollow and empty and held only our brokenness.

after spilling my grief a little, i stopped and looked at her.

and just said what i had been thinking.

i want to adopt. 

and i want to adopt a baby boy.

there was no judgement.  no gasp...like i was anticipating.

i knew how crazy i sounded.

and maybe she did too...but, she didn't say anything.  she just listened.

{i learned so much in that moment about the importance of listening}

i wanted to adopt and i wanted a baby boy in the worst way.

i believe that Will, was born in my heart that day.
what a gift.

 6 1/2 years later...will benjamin miguel nash came into our world.

when i think about this story and look at him...

 i am brought to tears every time.

i mean, i am a complete mess.

i see redemption in our story.

i used to think redemption would come

because we lost a child,
redemption would

give us a chance to save another.

after adopting our son.

i see it differently.

i see redemption as

 Christ himself coming after me.

pursuing me.

changing me.

He redeemed me from myself.

He met me and carried me.

He walked my desert with me...when no one else could.

i see a life full of potential to impact many.

a life that is going to change for the better,

that life is mine.

*for the heart never forgets...
we love you jack.