Monday, December 13, 2010

since may

seven months.
roughly 196 days of breaking.

a brief sketch of jarring moments that have taken place in the last 7 months...
well, moments that have moved me to places
i have not been in a long while.

  it all began when we left our beautiful home...
1. we moved away from dear ones who knew my deep places and still called me friend.
2.  we downsized.
3. i crumbled.
4.  we waited for an adoption to come through.
5.  we waited to find our next place of permanence.
6.  we watched as some close friends gave up everything they had
to sustain their sweet family.

7.  we sat with our dear friends as they watched their daughter die.
stood beside them as they buried her tender body.
grieved with them that her presence is missed every day.

8.  we were startled with news that i may have lupus, alongside ms.
9.  we were shattered by news of cancer in ben's mom.
10.  we grieved 6 years of missing our son, jack benjamin.

in the past 196 days,
i have searched for significance in each of these events
and others that have taken place.

 i took some time away from my ordinary, extraverted life.
 a sabatical of sorts.  i fumbled horribly through this.
and, if it were not for good friends, the understanding kind,
i probably would not have any friends left.

i had to put time and space into this.
i needed these events to make sense-have purpose.
i wanted to learn from different because they took place,
not just wallow in the list.
i want to teach my olivia about them.
about giving-and loving...

i find her not wanting to give-because it is too hard.
and, it is.  it is too hard to give. 

i think that is what God has been asking me to do all along.
give up my home.
 my comfort.
 my potterybarn idols.
my sense of justice.
my equations.
my unrealistic picture of what physicians can and should do.
my hopes & dreams...

because He longs for more in me...
more of Him.
He is my ultimate comfort.
He will bring justice.
He will make all things right.
His hopes and dreams for me far outweigh mine.

*if i could just let go-am i willing to believe that His dreams for me are bigger than mine?

this in no means sums up the last seven months into
a pretty package that will sit under my tree this year.
it only opens my eyes to see the beauty that came from the most devastating ashes.
because each friend or family member that has/is experiencing tremendous loss
of their dear ones, or health, or home had every right {in my book} to fall down
and not get back up again...

and yet, i have seen each one rise.
out of ashes.

and the only sense that i can make of it?
they must be holding on to the One who gets you back up.