Friday, December 23, 2011

an unexpected gift...

this little package here

is the best little package
one could only begin to
hope for.

we are continuously reminded
of a God who never lets go.

we waited almost two years
for a child.  
the three of us waited.
and 2 years felt like a long
time for ben and i to wait...
but for a 5 year old- o r e v e r.
and then the call came.
just a day after
mother's day.
what other day would
hold more significance
than that?
{God's timing is impeccable.}

we had no idea that will
would be born just 
6 days later.
the lifetime of 2 years
just drifted by in 6 short days.
his first 6 days were spent in the nicu.
6 very long days.
days that taught 
us more about what
really mattered in life.
more about our amazing
birth mom.
her courage.
her strength.
her core.
and we learned so much about will...
his determination.
his tender heart.
his every breakthrough...we counted in amazement.

we knew more.
we bonded more.
we loved more in 6 days
than we knew what to do with.
and 7 months later,
i still cannot get through
a post without choking back tears...
especially with this news.

last month, we were getting ready
to pay our final payment for our adoption.

the statement was incorrect.
it stated that what was owed was $2500.
when, in fact, it should have read $5000.
ben called our agency to let them know
of this error.
janice, in accounting, quickly corrected ben.
there wasn't an error in the amount.

someone had gifted $2500 anonymously
on will's behalf.
i don't think ben was able to hold it together
before hanging up the phone. 
he came home to tell me that night.
i went and got will out of his crib.
we just had to hold him.
we wanted him to be experience this moment
and the love that was given to him.
we did not know what to do with so much.
so we just cried.
then..we started guessing.
who? who would do such an amazing thing?
with each name...we just cried more.
we could imagine that
it could be any one of our family members
or friends doing such a thing.

shortly after ingesting all of this...
we were given more news that
someone else was taking on our
final payment of $2500.

than we could take in.

how does one appropriately thank
someone else-or a group of people
for loving us and for loving our son so much
that they would pay a debt that
was not theirs to pay?

i'm not sure either.
and, we have a story.
an amazing love story to share
with him someday. 

we picked out 2 stones. 
and wrote $2500 on each one with a big, fat sharpie.
they sit on top of our pile of ebenezer stones.
each stone represents a time in our lives 
that we experienced God's faithfulness...
and there are many.
counting each blessing........

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

christmas wishes

my tears started when i saw #13.
it was the 13th item on olivia's christmas wish list.

13. jack-for him to come back

those 6 little words have so much meaning.
they carry the weight of the world
for a little girl who never
got to meet her big brother.

yesterday i was loading will into his 
carseat and called out, 1 and 2 let's get in the car.
olivia immediately asked me who 1 and 2 were.
i said, you and your brother silly girl. (:
but, mommy, you have 3 kids, not just 2.

you are so right liv...there are 3 of you.
beaming smiles all around.

she never lets go-not for a second that her big
brother existed.

today, she asked me again how jack died.
it is painful explaining death . . especially
to a child who is so curious about the hows and the whys.
  no matter how simple you try and make it...
you can never make it nice.
you cannot paint a picture that makes 
them feel great afterward.
it hurts and the pain does not escape us.

olivia did end our conversation on a good, solid note.

i can't wait to be with jack in heaven!
**neither can i, olivia. neither can i.

7 years ago today.
 jack's anniversary.

about 2 months after we lost jack...right before we were pregnant with olivia..
i was at a friend's house and we were talking
about what life looked like in our house.
 i explained how bleak and quiet a finished nursery in our new
home felt like.  it was terrifying going to sleep
down the hall from a room that
was supposed to be filled with a hungry baby
that needed to be fed in the middle of
the night, or rocked back to sleep.
sprouts of giggles should be cascading down the hall.
but, instead, it was hollow and empty and held only our brokenness.
after spilling my grief a little, i stopped and looked at her.
and just said what i had been thinking.

i want to adopt. 
and i want to adopt a baby boy.

there was no judgement.  no i was anticipating.
i knew how crazy i sounded.
and maybe she did too...but, she didn't say anything.  she just listened.

{i learned so much in that moment about the importance of listening}

i wanted to adopt and i wanted a baby boy in the worst way.

i believe that Will, was born in my heart that day.
what a gift.

 6 1/2 years later...will benjamin miguel nash came into our world.

when i think about this story and look at him...
 i am brought to tears every time.
i mean, i am a complete mess.

i see redemption in our story.
i used to think redemption would come
because we lost a child,
redemption would
give us a chance to save another.

after adopting our son.
i see it differently.
i see redemption as
 Christ himself coming after me.
pursuing me.
changing me.

He redeemed me from myself.
He met me and carried me.
He walked my desert with me...when no one else could.

i see a life full of potential to impact many.
a life that is going to change for the better,
that life is mine.

jack benjamin nash
*for the heart never forgets...
we love you jack.