Monday, December 8, 2008

jack benjamin nash * december 9, 2004

my heart is full tonight. it is full of joy and laughter * family and friends...
and it is full of sadness and ache and missing. 
missing all of the people that should still be here with us.
a wise friend, who lost her husband, told me at my son's funeral...there is a fine line that runs back and forth between joy and grief. i find myself running back and forth sometimes daily. 
it comes when i least expect it. 
for me, it can come when olivia asks about jack. she is curious as to "whose hands are in that picture?" 
and, "are they mine?" she will ask, "is that baby me?"

it also comes with milestones. 
there is joy because friends are watching their children take the next step into this milestone. and often i am caught up experiencing the moment, that it doesn't hit me until later...
that we should be experiencing this same milestone with jack. 
i'm thankful, though, that it doesn't hit me until later, 
because i love my friend's children.  they are very dear to me...
and, they bring olivia such beautiful friendship.

i thought when someone was grieving-they were grieving the past. that is such a small part of grief. 
i often find that present and future grief are just as difficult.
life is so very broken...not at all how our Father designed it to be.

when we lost jack, i really believed that i would never be able to experience joy again.
to be honest, i didn't even want to.  
i thought it would mean that somehow i had forgotten or replaced him.

but, we serve an amazing God-who will someday make all of it right...
and in the in-between times-He has given me so many people to share life with,
and experience the joy He longs for us to have.

this joy comes in the smallest packages at times...
it's watching olivia's dramatic dance as she closes her eyes and winds herself around the room,{and i belly laugh because that is all one can do with this type of performance} or, seeing ben teach olivia how to "grease" up her bike and check her tires.  it's playing scrabble with friends and texting google for the correct spelling, it's taking a road trip with my mom and jodi, it's holding my newest neice, it's going to chicago to spend time with ana, it's in celebrating my girlfriends-a wedding, a baby, a new paint color!
it is all around me.

 thank-you jesus that someday i will only know this kind of joy and so much more.
i will see you face to face.
and i will hold my son again.
i cannot wait.


Rhonda said...

Hey Jaren - I've been checking out your nice blog recently. :) Your entry is heartfelt and touching. I didn't know about your dear son and am saddened to read this. My heart and prayers are with you today as you remember Jack. Won't heaven be GRAND??!!! You'll be holding and dancing with Jack! Love, Rhonda

The Hansen's said...

You are such an amazing woman! So filled with God's love, grace, and understanding! What an amazing entry, I can not fully understand the loss but I do in some ways! I will never forget the day I received the phone call from Matt still brings tears to my eyes, as does reading your post and thinking about the grief you and Ben still experience!
I hope that you find comfort in knowing that God is holding onto your precious little boy until you can one day hold him again! Jack is your angel and he will waiting with open arms for you someday!
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Ben and Olivia, may God grant your hearts great peace.

Love you guys,

Matt, Lydia, Micah and Beatrix said...

i will continue to dance between that fine fine line... beautifully put and i think of you today full to the brim with understanding. how sad to miss and how much joy comes in continuing on. until we hold our boys again, your friend lydia

Amy Bell said...

wow. what a beautiful entry....from a wonderful and amazing woman....your impact on those around you is a testimony of His faithfulness....i can't wait to meet will make heaven all the sweeter....praying for you and ben....olivia is one blessed little girl.

love you

Carolyn Dick said...


What a wonderful tribute to Jack, and to our Lord. I can really see how much you have grown on this journey that you and Ben have been traveling. What an awesome celebration it will be when you and Jack will be reunited forever, and never to be separated again!! Praise God!

Love You!

Chris and Maggie Terryn said...

jaren--this is such a transparent blog entry. i appreciate your honesty and your ability to put emotions like this into words. i am blessed to know you and whether we talk about it often or not you, ben, olivia, and jack are in the prayers that chris and i pray--maggie

Laura Steenwyk said...

Jaren - you echo my heart aches that I have problems putting into words. Its miserable that we share similar losses - but its such a blessing to have found you who can understand the love for the children we never got to know...

Blessings to you my dear friend...

-Lots of love, Laura Steenwyk