Thursday, March 28, 2013

small confession...actually, it's kind of a big deal

yesterday was hard.

the thought of crying came to me-i really want to go on vacation.
it sounded silly + there was no time to cry.
i had to finish chapter 2 in my book, 7.

i am so glad that i did. 

chapter 2:  clothes
choosing 7 items to wear for 2 weeks.


and, here is my outfit-that i have been wearing
every single day...
black cardi, green tee + jeans
my second outfit: yoga pants and long sleeve tee
have turned into my pjs.



will rhymes + i after sunday school

black cardi, green tee + jeans


my mom, liv + i enjoying a fun game of fibber!!
[these two...i can't trust them]

black cardi, green tee + jeans


2 of my sistas-at a hockey game with our families.
i really wanted to wear something fun this night...but, 

black cardi, green tee + jeans

oh well...you know what they say...
second verse, same as the first.
a little bit louder and a little bit worse!

this clothes fast was much harder than the food fast was for me.

this is a post that i had written to the girls in my book club on day 5 of this fast:

 I wish I could say that this fast has been easy. 
I have struggled every day.
and everyday I wake up and feel edgy...
because I want variety. 
I want to wear a hat or a headband...
a clip would even be acceptable.
  I was processing with Ben and was explaining my edginess.
 It came down to 2 things: I am entitled and I am discontent.
 Ugh. How humbling.
 I thought I would love not having options,
that it would take a lot of the guess work out for me 
of what I was going to wear.
 I miss fun scarves, accessorizing, 
switching out shoes with boots and boots with shoes...
ball caps, sunglasses, rings, layering clothes, fun coats.
 These are ALL such luxuries. None of them fit into an essentials list.
 After pouting and having mini melt downs last week...
i'm ready to see what this week holds.

i'm not sure if it has been harder, 
because we are going on week 4 of giving up excess...
or, if it's because i care that much about how i look..
or both. :/

back to my mini melt-down tantrum about not "having"
options for variety...whether in clothing, accessorizing,
traveling... 

as i picked up my book to finish ch. 2,
 this sentence was waiting for me:



and i stopped...in my melt-down tracks.

"I spend more just on clothes in one year than the average
 Ethiopian family earns in almost five."

i want to etch this sentence in my heart forever.
who am i to be so entitled?

on clothes alone...i spend more than they make in 5 years.
what am i doing with my money?
with my time?

here is a small, small confession:
i was searching on a garage sale site a couple days ago...
olivia needs new shoes for spring and summer.
She has a pair of flip flops right now. 

meanwhile, i sure did find this pair of awesomeness!

and, i purchased them...knowing that i am ridding myself of excess...
i purchased them.  
guilty as charged.  
i didn't even hesitate.  

i justified it by telling myself,
self...they are $5.  you love a good wedge.
throw in the fact that they "happen" to be just your size.
it's a deal. forget ch. 2...
your council of women would approve-
they wouldn't want you to pass up such an amazing deal.
do it. these lovelies will dress up a really dull outfit. 
type interested.
so, i did.  
i listened to my bad self-the next thing i knew-
i was setting up a time to meet with the seller 
and bring these babies home!

mama needs new shooooes!

the day after this little hiccup happened,
my dear friend, dessie...one of the sexy 7-10 girls,
posted this pic.

yep...she wasn't purchasing new shoes.
she was giving away half her closet.

oh, sweet Jesus...i am undeserving of 
your grace that covers me.  
i am consciously receiving it-and grateful
that your mercies are new every morning.

here is my hope.
that something inside me is done resisting my Jesus.

there is nothing wrong with buying a new pair of whatevers...
there is something in my heart though, 
that is not satisfied, not content with what i already own.  

because i can't wear variety in these 2 weeks...
i seek to be distracted by it.
by what i can't have.

am i drawn more to beauty and style
 above substance, contentment & integrity?
my hope is that i will be able to say no.
not sure i am there yet. :/


3 comments:

CaulkFamily said...

Jaren- you make me sound like a saint but that wasn't even half my closet and i'm not sure it was even a dent. It was convicting though! I too am so entitled and spoiled. But thanks for the props!

love you dear friend! love seeing how God is working in your heart.

amanda said...

love the confessional, Jaren. This has been way harder for me too, and I cannot for the life of me put a finger on why.

Hoping to get a minute or two to process it later. Love your thoughts here and your heart.

Angela Bates said...

These words hit me... "because i can't wear variety in these 2 weeks...i seek to be distracted by it. by what i can't have. am i drawn more to beauty and style above substance, contentment & integrity? " I have to confess that although I adhered to my clothing choices for the past 12 days...I too sought to be distracted instead of choosing contentment. I hope to blog a little about it later. Thanks for sharing, confessing and just being real.