since may

seven months.

roughly 196 days of breaking.

a brief sketch of jarring moments that have taken place in the last 7 months...

well, moments that have moved me to places

i have not been in a long while.

  it all began when we left our beautiful home...

1. we moved away from dear ones who knew my deep places and still called me friend.

2.  we downsized.

3. i crumbled.

4.  we waited for an adoption to come through.

5.  we waited to find our next place of permanence.

6.  we watched as some close friends gave up everything they had

to sustain their sweet family.

***

7.  we sat with our dear friends as they watched their daughter die.

stood beside them as they buried her tender body.

grieved with them that her presence is missed every day.

8.  we were startled with news that i may have lupus, alongside ms.

9.  we were shattered by news of cancer in ben's mom.

10.  we grieved 6 years of missing our son, jack benjamin.

in the past 196 days,

i have searched for significance in each of these events

and others that have taken place.

 i took some time away from my ordinary, extraverted life.

 a sabatical of sorts.  i fumbled horribly through this.
and, if it were not for good friends, the understanding kind,
i probably would not have any friends left.

i had to put time and space into this.

i needed these events to make sense-have purpose.

i wanted to learn from them...be different because they took place,

not just wallow in the list.

i want to teach my olivia about them.

about giving-and loving...

i find her not wanting to give-because it is too hard.

and, it is.  it is too hard to give. 

i think that is what God has been asking me to do all along.

G I V E

give up my home.

 my comfort.

 my potterybarn idols.

my sense of justice.

my equations.

my unrealistic picture of what physicians can and should do.

my hopes & dreams...

because He longs for more in me...

more of Him.

He is my ultimate comfort.

He will bring justice.

He will make all things right.

His hopes and dreams for me far outweigh mine.

*if i could just let go-am i willing to believe that His dreams for me are bigger than mine?

this in no means sums up the last seven months into

a pretty package that will sit under my tree this year.

it only opens my eyes to see the beauty that came from the most devastating ashes.

because each friend or family member that has/is experiencing tremendous loss

of their dear ones, or health, or home had every right {in my book} to fall down

and not get back up again...

and yet, i have seen each one rise.

out of ashes.

and the only sense that i can make of it?
they must be holding on to the One who gets you back up.

five

our daughter is turning five tomorrow.
five...I was grocery shopping earlier today
and saw some teenage girls..my mind wandered
on 5-10 years from now. I started picturing
my little girl being 10, 15.
hadn't these five years gone fast enough?
but in her mind, nothing has taken longer than waiting to turn five.

i'm so nostalgic around special holidays/birthdays. i try
to remember what i was doing...where i was at at that exact date and time.
today brought me back five years and 12 days...to the first day
that we brought our beautiful baby girl home from the nicu.
she was so tiny...such an amazing package.

i've kept a journal in my kitchen of the last five years of olivia's life.
things she would say or do...announcements she would make..prayers that she shouted.
phrases that were repeated-the kind you don't necessarily care to have repeated. :)
they are all in there. one of our favorite things to do is pick up that journal and re-live these moments together. olivia gets so surprised each time we read it. and i just have to laugh because we've read it so many times.

as much as i would love to slow our time down...
i am reminded that it is sadly impossible to do.

so, this year, i want to be present
for this fancy five year old daughter of mine.
i want to drink in the non-stop moments of chatter,
the never-ending imaginative narrative that plays in her mind...
and the soulful child that i pray will always be a part of the person she is to become.
i pray that she finds Jesus in every circumstance and that she believes that He accepts and loves her right where she is at...and, that no other love would look better or entice her more than the sweet, sweet love of Jesus.

happy birthday songbird.
you are finally five!
love your mama.

kitchen island

  everything about this island appeals to me...

it doesn't even bother me that i would be giving up

a lot of storage space.  

it's different.

unique.

and saucy!

now that we have been living in a rental for a few months,
i'm learning to live without many things
that i thought i could never do without.

i don't ever want to go back to accumulating so many unnecessary items.

this beauty would keep me on my toes...
remind me of keeping things

s i m p l e.

gotta love that!

restoration hardware

scan

my MRI was yesterday... the technician tried easing my mind as he clipped this cage around my head and neck...

i felt panicked, this is not your usual xray. 

 it's loud and there are annoying noises that continue for an hour.  

you are placed in a long tunnel and  told not to move...all the while every itch needs scratched, 

muscle needs stretched...body needs OUT!  

and then it hit me-how many people i currently know who have recently had this same scan.

sweet baby josie who was in hours before me... was being prepped for brain surgery to remove a tumor.

johnny the brave-has had numerous MRI's at the age of 8-also with a brain tumor.

my mother-in-law having similiar scans-looking for cancer.

God drew me in and brought me to His side...

under His wing i could concentrate-get away from the noise of this heavy, loud machine and pray. 

prayers for baby josie. prayers for johnny the brave. prayers for mom.

queenie

        benson queen bed $199 

             saddlerock counter set $199



                   tufted daybed $199







            jersey lounge lime $179

Urban Home

here are some of urban home's

newest arrivals!

everything i listed is under $200!




go have a furniture party! 

listening...

the hustle and bustle of mornings...you either love it..or, you don't.
i happen to love the rush.  it can be cheery...oh, yes it can.  or, not so
cheery.  this morning was cheery.
i was olivia's cheerleader and i loved it.
once my little marathoner was buckled in, we were off.  i asked her if
she wanted me to teach her  a new song on the way to school...
knowing that she is my songbird, i knew she would be game.

so, i started singing, the Lord is good to me...doo doo doo do, doo do
doo...hmm.  how does that song go?  i know there is something about
apple trees...oh it's good liv, i wish i could remember the words.

olivia pipes up...well, mommy, while you are remembering those
good words...do you want me to teach you one of my songs?  (:

absolutely liv!  sing away.

this was her song in her heart.

God, you are amazing...you are amazing..amazing.
you can do anything we ask..make anything, everything.
you are amazing.  you can even make an umbrella if you
want to.  the clouds, animals, grass...you make them and
everything around us.
nothing can seperate us
nothing can seperate us
nothing can seperate us from your love.
we love you God.

  her song rocked mine.
her little theology, bundled up in this song.
it touched my heart.
my faith grew this morning...thank you songbird.
thank you Jesus for asking me to really listen.