home is....

since we have moved out of our amazing, beautiful, spacious home about a year ago...i have tried retrieving some sort of saying or feeling of what home really is. i think one phrase i've tried to cling to is the one about home being where your family is. peace and sparkles to that one.
it was supposed to make me feel better-but it felt so pat-so cliche. **gag*

last sunday...i came up with my new definition of home.
-a little background first.
my rockstar husband left for church early-he had to do a few things beforehand. liv and i headed off to church 10 minutes later- only to discover the booster seat was missing. plan b was in full swing.
{we don't sit still long enough to actually plan plan b...we just moved and plan b took shape.}
we walked ourselves up to a nearby restaurant and ordered some johnny cakes and chocolate milk. it was delightful. our server even joined in on our fun. we got to know her a bit...someone new to this area..she has a daughter the same age as mine. by the end of breakfast, we had talked about church. she asked if i was the type that thought if you weren't in church...you would go to hell type of people. i replied, "well, we are skipping church this morning and i sure don't think i'm going to hell for it." she then asked if we could set up a playdate for our girls and we set up a time to get together.

my conversation with God on the way home..."you really do know what you are doing...don't you?" i'm sure He was laughing with me when that light bulb went off.

so, now..back to my new definition: home is where He leads you. it's that simple for me-and yet it took me a year to see it-to understand it.

when we decided to sell our house-we felt a strong pull to pray that God would place us in an area where He wanted us. that we could just be beautifully honest with people around us about who He is to us. we are so blessed by His stedfastness and pure pursuit of us. how could we not follow where He was leading? **side note-my heels did dig in...i think i had a tantrum a time or two* change is really very hard for me. :)
we are not deserving of this kind of love-yet we are better people because we have tasted it and it has changed us.

it is hard to explain to people why we have moved so much...why we haven't built yet. i even get caught up in questioning it myself. this week it all came together for me. and even though most people may not get it...that is okay. it took me a year to get it. eventually, we will build...we just aren't in this rush because it's what we "should" do. we trust Him and that He led us to trail east (our last home we built) and, we feel confident that He has led us to where we are now. that there are adventures here-lives that hopefully our story will touch and we will be changed for the better by their lives as well.

His plans are for us...His plan is for YOU too.
next week-end is our playdate!
looking forward to making new friends in our new place.

my new blog!

green apple design

so, here is my new blog!

i love a good space devoted to pure

interiors!

i've been dying to do this...

i'm not sure what took

me so long to take the plunge...

but, i'm so glad i did.

i'm loving every second of it-

even the seconds that fall after 1 a.m.

{there won't be many of those though}

this girl can't handle that! (:

i'm still going to blog here at fancy free sunshine.

i need a spot to 

write about my personal, 

beautiful and sometimes messy life.

i hope to see you on both blogs...

and i'd love to follow you too!

cheers!

oh deer me. please!

girly-girl

who wouldn't love to have 

tea and cakes with these

lovelies?

match made in heaven...p.s. i want that bag!

west elm + etsy

 beautiful marriage!

west elm + etsy...

this completely makes sense.

since may

seven months.

roughly 196 days of breaking.

a brief sketch of jarring moments that have taken place in the last 7 months...

well, moments that have moved me to places

i have not been in a long while.

  it all began when we left our beautiful home...

1. we moved away from dear ones who knew my deep places and still called me friend.

2.  we downsized.

3. i crumbled.

4.  we waited for an adoption to come through.

5.  we waited to find our next place of permanence.

6.  we watched as some close friends gave up everything they had

to sustain their sweet family.

***

7.  we sat with our dear friends as they watched their daughter die.

stood beside them as they buried her tender body.

grieved with them that her presence is missed every day.

8.  we were startled with news that i may have lupus, alongside ms.

9.  we were shattered by news of cancer in ben's mom.

10.  we grieved 6 years of missing our son, jack benjamin.

in the past 196 days,

i have searched for significance in each of these events

and others that have taken place.

 i took some time away from my ordinary, extraverted life.

 a sabatical of sorts.  i fumbled horribly through this.
and, if it were not for good friends, the understanding kind,
i probably would not have any friends left.

i had to put time and space into this.

i needed these events to make sense-have purpose.

i wanted to learn from them...be different because they took place,

not just wallow in the list.

i want to teach my olivia about them.

about giving-and loving...

i find her not wanting to give-because it is too hard.

and, it is.  it is too hard to give. 

i think that is what God has been asking me to do all along.

G I V E

give up my home.

 my comfort.

 my potterybarn idols.

my sense of justice.

my equations.

my unrealistic picture of what physicians can and should do.

my hopes & dreams...

because He longs for more in me...

more of Him.

He is my ultimate comfort.

He will bring justice.

He will make all things right.

His hopes and dreams for me far outweigh mine.

*if i could just let go-am i willing to believe that His dreams for me are bigger than mine?

this in no means sums up the last seven months into

a pretty package that will sit under my tree this year.

it only opens my eyes to see the beauty that came from the most devastating ashes.

because each friend or family member that has/is experiencing tremendous loss

of their dear ones, or health, or home had every right {in my book} to fall down

and not get back up again...

and yet, i have seen each one rise.

out of ashes.

and the only sense that i can make of it?
they must be holding on to the One who gets you back up.

five

our daughter is turning five tomorrow.
five...I was grocery shopping earlier today
and saw some teenage girls..my mind wandered
on 5-10 years from now. I started picturing
my little girl being 10, 15.
hadn't these five years gone fast enough?
but in her mind, nothing has taken longer than waiting to turn five.

i'm so nostalgic around special holidays/birthdays. i try
to remember what i was doing...where i was at at that exact date and time.
today brought me back five years and 12 days...to the first day
that we brought our beautiful baby girl home from the nicu.
she was so tiny...such an amazing package.

i've kept a journal in my kitchen of the last five years of olivia's life.
things she would say or do...announcements she would make..prayers that she shouted.
phrases that were repeated-the kind you don't necessarily care to have repeated. :)
they are all in there. one of our favorite things to do is pick up that journal and re-live these moments together. olivia gets so surprised each time we read it. and i just have to laugh because we've read it so many times.

as much as i would love to slow our time down...
i am reminded that it is sadly impossible to do.

so, this year, i want to be present
for this fancy five year old daughter of mine.
i want to drink in the non-stop moments of chatter,
the never-ending imaginative narrative that plays in her mind...
and the soulful child that i pray will always be a part of the person she is to become.
i pray that she finds Jesus in every circumstance and that she believes that He accepts and loves her right where she is at...and, that no other love would look better or entice her more than the sweet, sweet love of Jesus.

happy birthday songbird.
you are finally five!
love your mama.