Thursday, September 1, 2011

random thoughts from my songbird

i have so many random thoughts-most of them
stem from my conversations with my songbird, olivia.

she may be small...but she has mighty inside of her.
the thoughts and questions she thinks of...
here are this week's conversations in a nutshell.

about her brother jack...mommy, i miss jack.
hmmm. what made you think about jack?
mommy, i think about him all the time.

wow.  this one stopped me in my tracks.
if you don't know our story, we lost jack when he was full term.
there was a tear in his umbilical chord.
olivia misses having a big brother...
**we will always miss him too olivia.

she is very excited about her new baby brother..
which brings up a whole new realm of ponderings.

thoughts about will...mommy, it's too bad will didn't come out of your belly.
really liv?  why is that?  
well, it means he isn't a part of our family.  
he is a part of deborah's family.  but not really ours. 
{deborah is our amazing birth mom}
 what makes you think he isn't a part of ours?  
well, in our family, everyone has blue eyes.  will has brown eyes.
{this topic came up a few weeks ago, and i thought it was resolved...but, apparently it wasn't.} (:
okay, so what makes a family?  
a family is when everyone has the same of something.
so, i brought up one of her friends and said, i am so glad to know that.  
i guess your friend is really my other daughter because she has blue eyes like us!!  
no mommy, wait...she has a mommy.  she isn't your daughter.
well, i thought that you said...
and our conversation kept going.

where we ended was a very different place then where we started.
i'm grateful that she is open with me about her big thoughts, her doubts, her concerns.
i'm equally grateful that God reminds me to slow down and listen to her...really listen.  and to ask her questions-questions that help me understand where she is coming from and where she may be going...

we landed in the place that our family may look different than other families...but, it doesn't change the fact that we are family.  that will is our son and he is olivia's brother.  
that that little boy has forever changed our lives for the better.
and, that we collectively couldn't imagine our lives without our little man.
he has definitely won our hearts OVER. 

lastly, thoughts about a friend that lied to her.
mommy, i just wish she would have told me
that she was a friend that would lie to me right 
when we decided to become friends.
then i would be ready to feel this way.
oh, olivia...what a great thought.
i wish we all came with tags saying how broken we are...
mine would say,
i may not be able to call you back when you would like me to
i'm someone who thinks about your acts of kindness all the time, but i just get hung up on how to put my gratitude into words on paper for a thank you note...
how about this, i will, more than likely forget about a coffee date,
disappoint by not following through on something...i'm just another broken friend.
but, i'm a good friend.  one that is loyal and loves to see you succeed as a woman in this great big hodgepodge world of ours. (:  

releasing others from our high expectations is such a gift of grace.

i long to be a woman of offer it freely.
my prayer is for my little ones to see this in my life and 
to experience the power of grace so that they may offer to others as well.

i guess to sum up my thoughts on her thoughts...her thoughts slow me down.
they create a pause button-they make me take the time to really think through my everyday and 
understand what my purpose truly is.

it is to love God and to love people.
double-love command


Pepper Blossom said...

i'm crying quietly this morning at my computer and it is especially due to this sentence you wrote... "releasing others from our high expectations is such a gift of grace". what a beautiful sentence and one that offers such freedom. i pray that God helps me see others "tags" and that i give grace accordingly. especially to the man in my life who i don't hand that out too so freely. whew...

micah asks questions like that too... last night at dinner in fact he brought up finn. it always catches me off guard and forces me to think about it too and reflect. i really and truly believe that our little ones are somehow more in touch with the voice and mind of God...they just know things and we don't give them enough credit to really listen sometimes. i am so thankful to read what you have written this morning and that there is another mommy out there who gets stopped in her tracks by the things her child says. xo

jaren said...

oh friend,
i hear you and am in the same boat about needing-needing to give grace. tears as well as i read your words and sense micah's thoughts of finn. it is beautiful that our children feel free to bring us into a place where joy and grief reside. not a place i choose to go on my own-but places that when i visit-it is good for my soul.
thank you for reaching out and sharing this morning. your story means so very much to me. so do your beautiful children...xo

Kristin said...

Hi Jaren-
Not sure if you remember me from Cornerstone, but I stumbled across your blog through somebody. Am inspired by your thoughts/words on adoption. We have adopted 3 children and are currently in the final process of our 4th (and we were blessed & surprised with 2 biological children). Your little Olivia is a beautiful young lady...inside and out...and from reading your thoughts, I'm sure that is a DIRECT reflection of her parents' love for God and each other.
I felt compelled to comment because I have the following phrase as a "tag" at the end of my emails. Thought maybe that would translate well for little Olivia. "Family doesn't always mean you share blood. Family means you share your life."

Take care! Congratulations on your recent adoption of Little Will.
Kristin (Wheeler '95-'00) Amama

jaren said...

thank you for your words of encouragement...i love the phrase you gave me...thank you so much! it's so powerful and one that olivia will hold on to. i may look to you for more words of wisdom...we are so new to this and we LOVE where God has lead us. His grace amazes me...
do you have a you have time to blog? (: it's so good to hear from were always so sweet and kind to me in college-i knew right away who you were! (: thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts...i can't wait to share them with ben and olivia-and when will is old enough. (:

Joyellen said...

thanks for sharing Jaren! I love reading your thoughts. Olivia is a precious little girl. :)