my list of SEVEN (8)

i keep praying...
because i've never even done a fast for longer than a day,

 or at least stuck with it to do it well.

last year, for lent, i said i would fast from sugar.  

i lasted a whole 2 days.  my own daughter, 

who was 6 at the time, asked

 if i was sure i wanted to give up sugar for lent.  

she suggested i try something a little easier that i could give up-

like vegetables?  uh, yea.  that was humbling.

 praying over this is where i am at.  

i really want to see what God shows me through this 

and where He will lead.

and, at the end, i don't want to regret not finishing. 

i desire change...to be disgusted with my excess.

because i know myself...the more i have-the more- my life

is about me.  less of me and more of you Jesus.

here we go...
 Chapter 1:  Food

doing this book with 35 other girls is so fascinating!!
it is incredible to hear how each girl is praying over
this...truly pouring over it making it their own.

there are so many different ways to fast.

some are using their lunch time to fast,
pray and connect with their kiddos.
others are eating only "clean" food.
some are only making meal selections based on
what they currently have in the refrigerator and pantry.
a few are giving up eating out, extra snacks & starbucks
and some are choosing from 7 food items to eat.

i chose the latter.  choosing 7 foods. 

this is what i came up with:

my fab 5:  spinach, chicken, apples, egg + ww bread

my 3 luxury items:  avocado, greek yogurt + coffee

so, i know...i have 8 right?  well, that's where my

3 luxury items come in on rotation.  i am allowing

myself 2 luxuries a day, along with my 5 essentials.

**side note**

and you know what's great...

my kind of luxury coffee is a caramel macchiato from starbucks.

bring in the hallelujah chorus and little cherubs waving wands.

but, luxury is taking on a whole new meaning to this girl with her 7.

luxury coffee for the next 2 weeks is black.  black as in PLAIN-coffee black. 

it's hot...i'll give it that.  

okay...sorry for the diversion...
my experience in the grocery store:

 i'm walking aisle to aisle searching for my 7 (8) items

 and i stopped at the waffles and just stared at them.

i mean, was i a little bit thinking that waffles could fit into my essentials?  

well, maybe.. but more than that, i am struck with this thought of how

immensely lucky i am that i can go to any store i want and buy food.

and not only do i get to buy food...

i have 7 different kinds of waffles-from the same brand to choose from.

  

i know...i'm such a genius.

these things probably come to most people as they shop through the grocery.

but, it hasn't hit me like that before.

i didn't realize how much i would see on day 1 alone.

 {jumping back to leftovers for a second from my earlier post}

on day two,

 i had plain chicken in my refrigerator

just sitting there.  i didn't let myself think about

it too long.  i got it out, warmed it up

and had it for lunch.
and, there were cheers.

crowds roared in amazement.  

well, my crowd of 3 sure did some clapping for me. ;)

and, i'm still alive today.  i didn't waste what i normally would have...

and, for the most part, i stuck to my 7.

with the exception of 4 peanut m&ms that were sitting in a 

bag in my pantry begging for me to eat them.

so, my friends...

this is happening.

an experimental mutiny against excess.

the 2 places where i think God is leading me...

we started March 1. 

I'll let you know how it goes.

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LEFTOVERS

i vowed, like the taylor swift kind of vow,

that i would never, ever, e v e r 

get  back together...

with leftovers.

ugh to leftovers.

the worst kind of feeling

comes over me when i even say the word 

l e f t o v e r s.

like i just swallowed an entire spoonful of bacteria 

and washed it down with a jar of mold.

i am not down with leftovers.

i could care less that i throw food away...

or, let it sit in the back of the refrigerator until my 

amazing Type A husband throws it away.

(i know you are out there-

you are either standing and saying

a big hello no to leftovers...or, 

you are rolling your eyes because

i'm making such a BIG deal out of them.)

well, i may not be making such a big deal out of them 

after reading chapter 1 in the book, 7.

my whole world is changing - thank you jen hatmaker...i think.

our fearless leader, Amanda {Rosencrantz} Lutz,
is the one who made this spiffy reminder of what
fasting is all about.

 she was one of my roomies in college-where  

we affectionately nicknamed her rosipantz.  

makes me smile just saying it.

love you rosie!  

there are 36 of us from across the U.S.
and a few other countries as well.

love the grace she extends to all of us
as she reminds us that each fast will look

different because each of us so is uniquely different.

including the sexy 7-10 girls!
we are all soOo unique.

my college bff's.

and because my girl jodi, aka spritz, aka sasha

isn't pictured above...

i had to include a pic of this supamodel too.    

when i was thinking about re-joining this 

"long distanced book club for awesome people" 

(that's the name of it...how awesome is that??)
  

these girls kept coming to my mind and my heart.

we have never done anything like this together

and i was sort of nervous to even ask.

but, one by one...i kept getting responses that they would

join me in this.  i can't wait to see what God has in store for us!

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one whole year

we are on that day...

the one people call an anniversary.

it feels so strange calling it that.

it has been one year...

365 days without a phone call, a visit,

even a visual of her presence.

time marches on

and yet, i expect it to stop and wait...

to be patient with us and maybe more thoughtful.

so much has happened in a year...
so many milestones that our kids have experienced,
and their amma would have treasured each one.
to see olivia start to read,
will start to walk-no run,  :)
millie take ballet and do her twirly- twirls,
and, hank starting to form words and pull himself up.
she loved her grandbabies.

she cared about their day to day activities.  

and she loved spending her time with them.

 these are random thoughts, but...

i looked forward to getting her  clippings
of the important and the latest so that

i could be more informed about our world and surroundings.

and she gave the best gifts...they were always the practical.
 i love the practical.

who doesn't need a glass pitcher filled with lemons and limes?

and, after 10 years of marriage...yes please!
that was one of my favorites.

and, then...there were the not-so-practical given at christmas.

then, she gave the diamond bracelets...one had my initial on it,

the other had a band of diamonds straight across.
 stunning!
 that one was given

a few weeks after we lost our son, jack.  

she wanted me to remember

the solid rock on which i stand...Jesus.

my reason for this post-
i can't let the day go without honoring her in some way
and,

i want to stress the importance of time.
we never know how much time we will get with our loved ones.

if your mom or mother-in-law is still with you today...

will you take the time out of your day for her?
 just carve out

an hour to do lunch, grab coffee, skype, do a longer than normal

phone call...and make the conversation about her.

you will never regret the time spent.

if you have differences, tolerate them.
appreciate that she

was made different than you.
death is certainly not our friend.
one can never prepare for its permanence.
it leaves us confused, messy & unsatisfied.
nothing sounds right or good.
the only thing that does,
is to sit down with her,
in her kitchen and listen to stories about the farm.
that is what sounds good to me.
we miss you mom.

WEEK 1 -OVER

i am thankful that last week is over.

there was fear, panic, anxiety and more anxiety.

...a little background first, 
olivia has had severe stomach issues all summer.  

we have seen several doctors, 
hospital visits and specialists...
all summer.

these people here ^ are just the best kind 
of people you could ask for! 
 they were amazing with olivia!

after getting her on the right meds,

her stomach is finally starting to feel better!

but, then school started.

now, anxiety has kicked in, 
telling her that her stomach will start hurting all over again-

and a crazy, consuming, obsessive cycle has begun...

not to mention, when i asked 
the pharmacist if her meds might

be adding to her emotional state, he said yes. :(

the week before school started,

 we would run into the normal question 
of what grade she was going into...

as soon as she said, "First",  

these well-meaning, friendly people 

would get this huge happy grin on their face

and say, "What a big girl you are...
going to school for the whole day!

You must be so excited!"

 she would muster up a smile 
and return a quick nod.

i could see her conflict. 
she just told these complete strangers a lie.

going along with them just to 
get them to stop talking about 

how awesome a whole day away from 
her safe haven is completely spectacular.

it started her crossing paths 
she hadn't even considered yet.

the night before school started:

as soon as there was any mention
 of school, big, fat crocodile tears

made their way into hysteric sobs.

it broke my heart. 
 i always loved school!

art, reading, working on projects, writing
-they were my favs...

and then there was the complete social 
benefit of being with friends all day long.

not so for olivia. we were on two different tracks:

i was so excited to make her 

a healthy, beautiful breakfast. 

 she could hardly get the words out...

i think i am going to vomit. 

 it was written all over her face. 

 luckily, her daddy took her on her first day-
she is always brave for him.

i picked her up- expecting that things 
were sure to have improved throughout the day.

nope...she had cried all day long.

day 2...
10 minutes after i left the building,
 i got a call from the office.

she was lying on the cot...
covered in a beautiful quilt the principal had made 

and used to make her feel more comfortable. 
 i had them send her back to class

 as i went crazy waiting 
until i could get into my car to go get her.

day 3...
she was not having it. 

 sobbing, resisting, dry heaving...true anxiety. 

there was no talking her through or around it. 

 and yes, i carried her to the car, hoping and 

praying my neighbors down the street 
weren't going to call CPS. 

 she was so bewildered...

she could not believe i would force her 
into such discomfort. 

 it was as if i had performed the ultimate betrayal. 

 i got her into the building, left her in the bathroom 
and went down to the office.

the secretaries took one look at me, 

offered their support and a few kind words 

and i crumbled. 

 they suggested that i talk to the counselor

 and get him involved. 

 he immediately came to help.

i left that day without a hug or a kiss from my liv.
 that was a long day.

that night, we were reading Bible stories-

we had just finished the story about Jesus 
calming the storms with one command...

isn't that amazing olivia?

 that Jesus can command the winds and the sea 
to hush and be still?
mommy, please pray that i will stop crying at school.
i really want to stop, but i can't.

she climbed on top of me and just sobbed. 

on top of school stuff, she is really missing her amma.

the strength in me was gone, within seconds,

 i was joining her with my own tears...

missing her amma with her 
and wishing life could let up a bit for her.

 we both just laid there-
wondering where God was in the midst of this storm. 

 we kept asking Him to take this anxiety...
this fear- and hush it....

banish it from this little peanut of mine.

day four...

she willingly got into the car...

tears and heavy sobs the entire way to school. 

 she had an ounce more confidence 

than she had the day before. 

she had made 2 new friends...

her counselor and her first grade teacher.

when i picked her up after school, 
i got a thumbs up from her teacher..

which sent relief straight through my entire body.

relief that she hadn't merely survived the day, 

it meant that she ate more than 2 crackers all day, 

that she forgot about asking every 5 minutes when her mommy was coming to get her, 

that she enjoyed a game of bingo, 

found a friend to share a swing with, 

anticipated the end of a chapter book

 that her teacher was going to finish that day. 

 God has created olivia, all of us really, 

to be more than survivors...

more than just trudging through life 
begging for it to get easier.

{and believe me, i have been begging

-the poor pathetic-hands-and-knees kind of begging
for this to get easier.}

 more than likely, it won't.

we are still in the thick of it.
we are grateful for the help we are receiving 
and the way God is meeting our every need.
everyone at our school has been
incredible to us.  we are right where we should be!

***
in the midst of grief and tough, 
heart breaking moments...

there is no rescuer like our good God.

liv is at the beginnings of something really spectacular. 

i am confident of that.

 i can't wait to see how He shows up and surprises her.

because that is just like Him...
to show up with a better plan

than she or i could have ever imagined.

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50 Shades of Magic Mike

i am due for a post.  

not so much because it has been a while...
well, it has. 

but, more because i feel this stirring in my soul 
about some important things.

things that seem to be sliding through cracks.  
and, i'm letting them.
i am not even sure why i've been avoiding this topic for so long.
so-enough.  
i did some digging and researching.
some soul searching too.

 if you know me...

you know that i am passionate about some things.

and one of these issues is a huge button for me.

first, i try-try so hard to stay 
out of controversial topics 

when they are

 based within a social media setting.

  my wise, slow-to-react husband will read

comments that i intend to leave about hot topics

and he will slowly shake his head.  

sometimes, i just squint my eyes and give him that

look, like "everyone who reads this will

know that i have the best intentions..."

and, again..with the head shaking.

oh fine.  delete.delete.delete.

he is spot on 99.9% of the time.

     so, last night, i was up until 3:30 a.m. 

        reading 50 Shades of Magic Mike...

along with a lot of the comments on this post

at melissajenna.com. 

   

   MJ is my new cool blogging friend 

that someone on fb introduced me to.  

she doesn't know how great of friends we are yet.  

but, i think she is so very fab!  ;)

anyway, as of last night, 

there were almost 1500 replies to her post.  

and i was drawn in.  

this topic is important to me because it is an underlying current

that, with momentum, will begin a larger movement than 

i think any of us truly hope to bring our children

into when they are our age. 

i also am curious to know what women think on these topics.  

some men even weighed in...which, i appreciated as well.  

even little ole' me took a shot at chiming in-carefully and respectfully.  

  

my thought in talking about this momentum in our media

is to bring more awareness to the topic at hand.

i was considering reading this book 

and going to the movie as well.

i am thankful for MJ's post.  

she presented some facts 

that i wasn't aware of...i wasn't even trying to become aware of.

 it is also important for you to know my heart

when i write about a conviction of mine...

or, a topic that i am passionate about.

it really is personal to me-and i hope that

i am able to present clearly

 that my thoughts, values and convictions

are merely where i am-in my journey...

not where i expect or think anyone else should be.

after getting a general feel for some public

opinions on melissa's blog...i was interested to see how the media is portraying

"50 shades" and "Magic Mike".

 here is a quote from

just one radio host:

{and, btw...i found these similar statements across the board}

"Let’s face it gentlemen, we’ve been objectifying women for a LONG time.  They’re just taking their turn.  They won’t think “My man should look like that,” any more than we think “My woman should look like that,” when we see a beautiful woman.

Let them go see the movie.  Then gently let them know that them getting angry with you for going to the strip club is unwarranted.  The fact is, you’ve chosen each other.  Use this as a chance to tell her that you still want to see her in her lingerie.  She may not think she looks good, and she’s probably not a model, but that doesn’t mean we appreciate them any less.  You shouldn’t think they will appreciate you any less either.

See?  These pieces of entertainment aren’t threats.  They’re a chance for everyone to gain an understanding of each other.  Women are now seeing how men have viewed adult entertainment for eons, and men are getting a dose of how women have felt about it."

is this really the pitch?

the fact that is is our turn...

                  like, it's a once in a lifetime chance to objectify men on the big screen...

and because we go to see it..

good news men, you are getting a free v.i.p. to strip clubs 

and a lifetime pass to view porn from here on out.

...as if there is no harm done to anyone

because the "fairness" rule was in play.

um, i'm not sure about you..but,

pretty much, 

anytime i have used the "fairness" card in my marriage,

it has never once ended with me feeling great about myself or my choice.

 it's a step in the wrong direction for me.  

and, somehow it brings my maturity to a 4th grade level-at best.

no thanks.  this girl is taking a stand 

and passing on seeing this movie and

reading this book.

taking this approach, or this stand seems small in the year 2012.

but, i'm guessing, that in 2032...when my daughter

is 37..and my son, 31.  they will have much larger stands to take

in the world of entertainment.