christmas wishes

my tears started when i saw #13.

it was the 13th item on olivia's christmas wish list.

13. jack-for him to come back

those 6 little words have so much meaning.

they carry the weight of the world

for a little girl who never

got to meet her big brother.

yesterday i was loading will into his 

carseat and called out, 1 and 2 let's get in the car.

olivia immediately asked me who 1 and 2 were.

i said, you and your brother silly girl. (:

but, mommy, you have 3 kids, not just 2.

you are so right liv...there are 3 of you.

beaming smiles all around.

she never lets go-not for a second that her big

brother existed.

today, she asked me again how jack died.

it is painful explaining death . . especially

to a child who is so curious about the hows and the whys.

  no matter how simple you try and make it...

you can never make it nice.

you cannot paint a picture that makes 

them feel great afterward.

it hurts and the pain does not escape us.

olivia did end our conversation on a good, solid note.

i can't wait to be with jack in heaven!

**neither can i, olivia. neither can i.

7 years ago today.

 jack's anniversary.

about 2 months after we lost jack...right before we were pregnant with olivia..

i was at a friend's house and we were talking
about what life looked like in our house.
 i explained how bleak and quiet a finished nursery in our new

home felt like.  it was terrifying going to sleep
down the hall from a room that

was supposed to be filled with a hungry baby
that needed to be fed in the middle of

the night, or rocked back to sleep.
sprouts of giggles should be cascading down the hall.

but, instead, it was hollow and empty and held only our brokenness.

after spilling my grief a little, i stopped and looked at her.

and just said what i had been thinking.

i want to adopt. 

and i want to adopt a baby boy.

there was no judgement.  no gasp...like i was anticipating.

i knew how crazy i sounded.

and maybe she did too...but, she didn't say anything.  she just listened.

{i learned so much in that moment about the importance of listening}

i wanted to adopt and i wanted a baby boy in the worst way.

i believe that Will, was born in my heart that day.
what a gift.

 6 1/2 years later...will benjamin miguel nash came into our world.

when i think about this story and look at him...

 i am brought to tears every time.

i mean, i am a complete mess.

i see redemption in our story.

i used to think redemption would come

because we lost a child,
redemption would

give us a chance to save another.

after adopting our son.

i see it differently.

i see redemption as

 Christ himself coming after me.

pursuing me.

changing me.

He redeemed me from myself.

He met me and carried me.

He walked my desert with me...when no one else could.

i see a life full of potential to impact many.

a life that is going to change for the better,

that life is mine.

*for the heart never forgets...
we love you jack.

grocery store christmas trees -holla!

i have so many thoughts tumbling around in my head.

i so need to get organized.

i am organized...in my mind.

and then, i come back to reality and i run in a thousand

different directions...starting up mini-projects here and there,

envisioning sugar plum fairies decorating my un-decorated tree,

{can they do that?  because if they can...}

writing thank you notes to some dear dear family & friends that

thought of the perfect gifts for my olivia as we celebrated her 6th birthday.

picking up laundry, dishes...the list goes onNn..

okay.

the reality list.

an unlit tree, 

dirty laundry,

cluttered kitchen,

opened birthday gifts scattered...EVERYWHERE. 

unwritten thank you's

**i'm interupting this downer for a shout

out to my fairy godmother..if i have one...

could you please send a magic wand for christmas? 

 no, seriously, pleeeEase...**

okay, enough with the whinefest.  

our christmas tree is what got me thinking

and i have a tiny confession...

we bought our tree at kingmas.

ouch!  it hurts to even type it.

yep, first time/long time that we haven't hauled our bodies 

down to hart's tree farm to select the best of the best.

there is nothing like cutting down a fresh tree, one nash at a time.

yes, ben let's us join in on smelling the earth and the inside of the stump of the tree

 as we saw our hearts out. 

 **we let him have the last cut because no one yells timberrrrr like he does!

anyway-letting go of this tradition (for this year) was super duper hard for this girl.

i really get into it.  besides my sawing-bit...

i document the entire process and use the photos as part of our ornaments

each year so that our tree tells a story.

i'm also realizing that we have no place in our beautiful rental to hang stockings.

so, i need to get creative.  i really wanted to whine some more here...

until i came across this sparrow.

i got this in memory of sweet little bailey hope.  

she taught me over a year and a half ago about slowing down.

pacing myself.  

that perfection isn't all that pretty.

so, i am settling in to these thoughts again of sitting still enough

to have an 'unperfect' or is it imperfect (: christmas.

to have images of last year's tromp for the tree instead of this year's.

to have stockings hung on our windows instead of a beautiful fireplace mantle.

to have my desk be a little more cluttered with christmas cheer 

than i normally would like for it to be.

to listen and to hear the sounds that i would miss if i didn't slow down

and maybe settle for this little christmas tree and the lesson it has for me.

the sounds i love the most this season come from my children...

it's will's uncontrollable laugh

and mini-speeches that he makes when he is quite hungry.

and hearing olivia's imagination come to life.

today, she is playing with her manger scene-

asking Jesus not to grow up and die

on the cross for our sins.  

asking Him if there is another way.  

it is so precious to me that her heart loves Him that much.

do i?  

do i stop and take time to truly thank him for his sacrifice?

yes. i do.

do my actions and my words drip gratitude.

nope.  they don't.

again, not striving for perfection...but for a place where gratitude comes 

from an unlikely christmas tree and a sparrow that has taught me

more than she will ever know.

1 8 4 days

it feels like it was yesterday

that we were in the hospital with will.

i remember meeting deborah, will's birth mom.

we were so nervous and anxious.  

the first thought i had when i saw her was

 how beautiful she was.

long,  blonde hair.  

she reminded me of taylor swift.

gorgeous.

after some hugs and tears...

she asked us if we wanted to see him.

she went with us into the nicu and there we were...

the three of us looking at this little bebe.

he was

under a heat lamp,

hooked up to machines...with nurses 

 poking him..

it was that moment that my heart completely grew.

a moment that i will always remember.

i felt everything.

every emotion one can feel.

i felt them all.

so, our teeny, tiny baby is 6 months old now!

6 months.

what is he doing-you ask?

{probably what every other 6 month old is doing}

but, not really,

 because we think he is exceptional...sorry other 6 month olds..

we think he is above average in every catagory!

sitting up: check

rolling over: check

raspberries:  double check

belly laughing: check

screeching-then laughing: check

jumping in the e.s.: check

loving his FOOD:  triple check

outgrowing his clothes: check.check.check

looking like the cutest baby boy i have

ever laid eyes on:  QUAD CHECK IT!

oh, and just for the record...

i really can't help it if these are his favorite tees.

i tried talking him into a few others that were just as cute,

and he simply stopped smiling.  

we can't have that, can we?

so, i gave in...again to the mommy rocks shirts.

what was that sugar?  your mommy what?

oh yeah, your mommy does rock!!

happy 6 months, love!

if you

instagram 

then you may want to

followgram!

followgram gives you a unique space to view

 your instagram photos online.

there are so many things i love about this site already!

the best part is...you can share your photos with someone 

who may not have an iphone or facebook account.

another great feature...

you can drag and drop your photos from followgram

directly to you blog-or desktop-or wherever!!

enjoy! 

animal prints

lately, i've had my eye on dogs.

olivia has been begging for a puppy party

for her 6th birthday.

so, i went searching for the hippest, 

most coolest party decor.

i have almost found everything i was looking for, 
and, i also

 ran across a few other

animally fun things i thought i would share... 

1.moddog prints
i adore these modern dog prints.
we are dog lovahs!  our entire family
are lovahs too.  how cool would it be
to have a grouping of the 8 dogs that
are/were  in our family.

{ r.i.p. monster and webster }

2.animals font
countless fun with this new font!

3.animal templates
you could do so many fabulous things
with these templates...shadow puppets..
matting and framing them in wild colors..  
there are so many to choose from on this site!

4.elephant collage

i love elephants!  

i can't wait to do this with liv...and will..someday.

vintage fabric is the key.

5.alphabeasties
i am enamored with everything about these alphabeasties...everything!

little Mm Aa Nn

that's right.

lock up your daughters!

he just keeps getting cuter and more snuggly...

i just had to share some sugar.

we took little man and songbird

to artprize today.

will wanted to eat the entire time...

olivia, wanted to place a vote-for each

piece of art that we saw...the entire time. (:

thank goodness for snacks.

that took her mind off of voting...for a while.

these were just a few of our favs-we had lots more.

good thing we have 2 more weeks!

ben and i went out friday night and 

saw these very cool pieces...

Loose Fit

by Monica Ponce de Leon

this piece was made completely of plastic...

it is actually quite large and has several other

tunnels like this.  

{we may or may not have crawled through the smallest one.}

Mother Earth

by Jessica Horst

this was by far my most favorite!  

she had 3 or 4 others 

in her collection.

her medium was felt and

i couldn't love a material

more than i LoVe-oV FELT!!

if you haven't been out to artprize...you must-you must!

and here is the app that makes voting a snap.

seriously, if my 5 year old can do it-anyone can. 

hope to see you out there!