when skies are grey

 

you are my sunshine...my only sunshine.

you make me happy~ when skies are grey...

you never know dear, how much i love you.

please don't take my sunshine away..

that's kinda how it feels.  

feels like someone took

our sunshine away.

tonight, i heard olivia start to cry a few minutes

after we tucked her in.

i thought maybe she was trying to stall 

and was going to tell me an old recess wound needed a band-aid.

and then, she started this pure sob.

i went in and laid next to her.

she could barely make out the words.

i knew what she would say before she even said it.

the sunshine song was playing on her cd player.

 she remembered that we gave amma a card 

with this tune in it last year for her birthday...

i asked her if she wanted me to change the song-nope.  

she wanted to hear the whole thing.  

so, we just laid there.

 we listened to it a few times

and just let the tears come until she fell asleep.

we miss our amma.

for the love of linda lou...

i consider myself one lucky girl,

to be in this woman's life.

she didn't choose me,

her son did.
well, if she had known me first...
she probably would have picked me. :)

that makes her my

m.i.l.

and, you know what they

say about in-laws.

"they say"

they are complicated.
you are told to make sure and

set good boundaries..
and the list of "helpful" suggestions is never ending.

that's why i consider myself lucky.

lucky.lucky.lucky me.
i love my in-laws.
my husband loves his in-laws.
in fact, we actually don't use the title, in-laws,
we did away with that term.
we call each other's parents
mom and dad,
and siblings-sisters and brothers.
we are family.
and terms and titles put no such boundaries
on the love we have for each other's family.

one of my first memories

with mom was when i broke

my leg playing soccer.

i was dating ben at the time,

and i lived in a house with 8 girls in heritage hill.

we had a lot of stairs...so, ben asked his parents 

if i could move in with them for a couple weeks.

mom took care of me.

she brought me breakfast, lunch and conversation each time

she came in my room to see me.  

as i started to heal a bit and use my crutches,

i became very interested in our conversations...

so, i would head upstairs for more.

i was used to living with 8 girls-

there were always conversations to be had!

poor mom.  she didn't know what

ben was getting her into.

***

it seems a lifetime i had with her

and yet, i wish it were more.

only 12 years...certainly not enough.

in the last year and a half...

once we knew it was cancer
that she would battle with again,
i promised myself that i would
take in as much as i could
from her.

without her even knowing it...

she became my teacher, and i her student.

i watched how one ties up the end of their life.

how it is done.
it was as if she unfolded a message with
each conversation we had.  she would often
give me advice for olivia and will's future.
we would venture into unknown territories
as she would talk about what life must be like on heaven's side. 

i hope to be as intentional as she was
in spending time on important things...

when her cancer was brought up,
it was clear that though

cancer had wracked her precious body,

it did not have her.
He had her...her Lord and Savior.
He kept her in the palm of His hand.

i never heard a complaint out of her about her pain...

and, there was pain.

severe, chronic, exhausting pain.

after her 6th stint replacement for her bladder,

i remember telling her how angry i was

at the cancer for doing such damage to her 

once, very healthy body.

her response-

"this brings me closer to Jesus,
this all brings me closer to Him."
*****
how am i coping?
most days, i tell myself that she is up north with her sissies...
visiting her brothers.
i really won't accept that she isn't with us anymore.
not now anyway.

every day, olivia tells me that she misses her amma.
and every night, she asks God to tell amma how much
we miss her.  she also asks him to remind jack, bailey and
our cousin aaron that we miss them too.

we are starting to write down her memories with amma.
so one day, she will have them-in her own words-
to be able to share with will, millie and sweet baby henry.
mom's other precious loves.

olivia's auntie gave her some necklaces that were mom's.
she asks to wear them all the time.
they make her feel close to amma.

yesterday, was will's official adoption day.
valentine's day.
i wanted to feel close to mom too...
so i wore a bracelet that she gave me
a few years ago at christmas.
it's one of my favorite bracelets.
i just needed to bring her into our day somehow.
she loved will so much.  mom and olivia were the only
ones that could make him bust out into a big belly laugh.

she would have loved yesterday.
and she would have been so proud of ben.
 hearing him speak so eloquently in front of the court
about our son and what his life means to us...

we had a small gathering after the court hearing-
and, i used her water pitcher.
{the place just needed a little touch of linda lou.}
 i also bought swedish coffee.
i don't think she ever made swedish coffee...
{i'm sure she brought some back from sweden
when she went with her brothers and sisters a few years ago.}
but, it reminded me of something special she would have liked.

mom always did something special for
ben and i on valentine's day.
one year it was white candles with red hearts
to decorate our table,
another year she gave us conversation date cards,
other times, she volunteered to take olivia
so that we could go out...
there was always something. special.
so, the swedish coffee was my valentine-something special
to mom...

anyway, she would have loved that will's special day
 landed on valentine's day.

we love you mom.
every day.  we love you.

PINCH

oh. my. goodness.

i'm pinching myself...

for 2 separate reasons.

1.  that mom colored glasses put my article 

in their amazing online magazine!!!!

                          &

2.  that i wrote so candidly about something that

i have been dying to write about for the last 2

years...i just didn't have the words...

and maybe the courage, until now.

thanks MCG for telling my story...

for helping me find the courage to say more.

mom colored glasses

and, since we are close to st. patty's day-

and because i am oh, soooo irish.  i will pinch you too.

well, maybe i won't pinch you-i've never been

comfortable with that sort of thing.

but, i am comfortable in pinching you lyrically...

to be authentic. to write what you are really

thinking.  to give an extension of your story

so that someone else might take it and breath

in a new perspective.  do it.  do it for you and

do it for someone else.

p.s.  if you don't have a blog, or a place to post...

send it to me-i will post it here.  i would love to read

where you are at and breath in more of your perspective.

an unexpected gift...

this little package here

is the best little package

one could only begin to

hope for.

we are continuously reminded

of a God who never lets go.

we waited almost two years

for a child.  

the three of us waited.

and 2 years felt like a long

time for ben and i to wait...

but for a 5 year old-

it.feels.like.f o r e v e r.

and then the call came.
just a day after

mother's day.

imagine.

what other day would

hold more significance

than that?
{God's timing is impeccable.}

we had no idea that will

would be born just 

6 days later.

the lifetime of 2 years

just drifted by in 6 short days.

his first 6 days were spent in the nicu.

6 very long days.

days that taught 

us more about what

really mattered in life.

more about our amazing

birth mom.

her courage.

her strength.

her core.

and we learned so much about will...

his determination.

his tender heart.

his every breakthrough...we counted in amazement.

we knew more.

we bonded more.

we loved more in 6 days

than we knew what to do with.

....

and 7 months later,

i still cannot get through

a post without choking back tears...

especially with this news.

.....

last month, we were getting ready

to pay our final payment for our adoption.

the statement was incorrect.

it stated that what was owed was $2500.

when, in fact, it should have read $5000.

ben called our agency to let them know

of this error.

janice, in accounting, quickly corrected ben.

there wasn't an error in the amount.

someone had gifted $2500 anonymously

on will's behalf.

i don't think ben was able to hold it together

before hanging up the phone. 

he came home to tell me that night.

i went and got will out of his crib.

we just had to hold him.

we wanted him to be experience this moment

and the love that was given to us...to him.

we did not know what to do with so much.

so we just cried.

then..we started guessing.

who? who would do such an amazing thing?

with each name...we just cried more.

we could imagine that

it could be any one of our family members

or friends doing such a thing.

shortly after ingesting all of this...

we were given more news that

someone else was taking on our

final payment of $2500.

it.was.more 

than we could take in.

how does one appropriately thank

someone else-or a group of people

for loving us and for loving our son so much

that they would pay a debt that

was not theirs to pay?

i'm not sure either.

and, wow...do we have a story.

an amazing love story to share

with him someday. 

...

we picked out 2 stones. 

and wrote $2500 on each one with a big, fat sharpie.

they sit on top of our pile of ebenezer stones.

each stone represents a time in our lives 

that we experienced God's faithfulness...

and there are many.

counting each blessing........

christmas wishes

my tears started when i saw #13.

it was the 13th item on olivia's christmas wish list.

13. jack-for him to come back

those 6 little words have so much meaning.

they carry the weight of the world

for a little girl who never

got to meet her big brother.

yesterday i was loading will into his 

carseat and called out, 1 and 2 let's get in the car.

olivia immediately asked me who 1 and 2 were.

i said, you and your brother silly girl. (:

but, mommy, you have 3 kids, not just 2.

you are so right liv...there are 3 of you.

beaming smiles all around.

she never lets go-not for a second that her big

brother existed.

today, she asked me again how jack died.

it is painful explaining death . . especially

to a child who is so curious about the hows and the whys.

  no matter how simple you try and make it...

you can never make it nice.

you cannot paint a picture that makes 

them feel great afterward.

it hurts and the pain does not escape us.

olivia did end our conversation on a good, solid note.

i can't wait to be with jack in heaven!

**neither can i, olivia. neither can i.

7 years ago today.

 jack's anniversary.

about 2 months after we lost jack...right before we were pregnant with olivia..

i was at a friend's house and we were talking
about what life looked like in our house.
 i explained how bleak and quiet a finished nursery in our new

home felt like.  it was terrifying going to sleep
down the hall from a room that

was supposed to be filled with a hungry baby
that needed to be fed in the middle of

the night, or rocked back to sleep.
sprouts of giggles should be cascading down the hall.

but, instead, it was hollow and empty and held only our brokenness.

after spilling my grief a little, i stopped and looked at her.

and just said what i had been thinking.

i want to adopt. 

and i want to adopt a baby boy.

there was no judgement.  no gasp...like i was anticipating.

i knew how crazy i sounded.

and maybe she did too...but, she didn't say anything.  she just listened.

{i learned so much in that moment about the importance of listening}

i wanted to adopt and i wanted a baby boy in the worst way.

i believe that Will, was born in my heart that day.
what a gift.

 6 1/2 years later...will benjamin miguel nash came into our world.

when i think about this story and look at him...

 i am brought to tears every time.

i mean, i am a complete mess.

i see redemption in our story.

i used to think redemption would come

because we lost a child,
redemption would

give us a chance to save another.

after adopting our son.

i see it differently.

i see redemption as

 Christ himself coming after me.

pursuing me.

changing me.

He redeemed me from myself.

He met me and carried me.

He walked my desert with me...when no one else could.

i see a life full of potential to impact many.

a life that is going to change for the better,

that life is mine.

*for the heart never forgets...
we love you jack.

grocery store christmas trees -holla!

i have so many thoughts tumbling around in my head.

i so need to get organized.

i am organized...in my mind.

and then, i come back to reality and i run in a thousand

different directions...starting up mini-projects here and there,

envisioning sugar plum fairies decorating my un-decorated tree,

{can they do that?  because if they can...}

writing thank you notes to some dear dear family & friends that

thought of the perfect gifts for my olivia as we celebrated her 6th birthday.

picking up laundry, dishes...the list goes onNn..

okay.

the reality list.

an unlit tree, 

dirty laundry,

cluttered kitchen,

opened birthday gifts scattered...EVERYWHERE. 

unwritten thank you's

**i'm interupting this downer for a shout

out to my fairy godmother..if i have one...

could you please send a magic wand for christmas? 

 no, seriously, pleeeEase...**

okay, enough with the whinefest.  

our christmas tree is what got me thinking

and i have a tiny confession...

we bought our tree at kingmas.

ouch!  it hurts to even type it.

yep, first time/long time that we haven't hauled our bodies 

down to hart's tree farm to select the best of the best.

there is nothing like cutting down a fresh tree, one nash at a time.

yes, ben let's us join in on smelling the earth and the inside of the stump of the tree

 as we saw our hearts out. 

 **we let him have the last cut because no one yells timberrrrr like he does!

anyway-letting go of this tradition (for this year) was super duper hard for this girl.

i really get into it.  besides my sawing-bit...

i document the entire process and use the photos as part of our ornaments

each year so that our tree tells a story.

i'm also realizing that we have no place in our beautiful rental to hang stockings.

so, i need to get creative.  i really wanted to whine some more here...

until i came across this sparrow.

i got this in memory of sweet little bailey hope.  

she taught me over a year and a half ago about slowing down.

pacing myself.  

that perfection isn't all that pretty.

so, i am settling in to these thoughts again of sitting still enough

to have an 'unperfect' or is it imperfect (: christmas.

to have images of last year's tromp for the tree instead of this year's.

to have stockings hung on our windows instead of a beautiful fireplace mantle.

to have my desk be a little more cluttered with christmas cheer 

than i normally would like for it to be.

to listen and to hear the sounds that i would miss if i didn't slow down

and maybe settle for this little christmas tree and the lesson it has for me.

the sounds i love the most this season come from my children...

it's will's uncontrollable laugh

and mini-speeches that he makes when he is quite hungry.

and hearing olivia's imagination come to life.

today, she is playing with her manger scene-

asking Jesus not to grow up and die

on the cross for our sins.  

asking Him if there is another way.  

it is so precious to me that her heart loves Him that much.

do i?  

do i stop and take time to truly thank him for his sacrifice?

yes. i do.

do my actions and my words drip gratitude.

nope.  they don't.

again, not striving for perfection...but for a place where gratitude comes 

from an unlikely christmas tree and a sparrow that has taught me

more than she will ever know.